i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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