They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
