When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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