i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
