i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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