booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
