we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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