Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
