Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
