My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
