look no pants
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
