I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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