She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
