Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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