mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
