my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
