I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
