I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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