shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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