talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
