Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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