I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
