guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize