I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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