The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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