Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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