also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize