ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
