This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize