so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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