I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
