Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
