On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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