proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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