Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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