I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
