did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it glows. i had to have it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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