Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
