Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
farters have to be the big spoon...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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