My nipple is on Facebook.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize