Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
