How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
