I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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