I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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