Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
