I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
