This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
