Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
