zippers are such a cool invention
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
