So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
