I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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