I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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