She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
