i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I currently don't understand fingers.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
