you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize