I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know π
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just donβt understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize