So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
