well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
