Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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