We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
